I would dread waking up. Many mornings of making a home, this is how it went.
My husband who would already be at work, would ask through the phone, “What are you doing today?”
I would reply, “School and housework. Same old — same old.”
Those words would drop heavy from my mouth, and the answer would depress me.
“What am I doing today?”
A sinking feeling weighed heavy in side of me. And yet, I wanted to have joy. Instead, I had fear. I would be afraid to face the day.
I had the normal messes to face. The long and ever-growing to do lists to conquer. There are always mounds of laundry and dishes to tackle. So, most days I may or may not be able to see the floor in this kid’s play room.
But what was I really afraid of?
This.
I don’t know if today the children will see Jesus in me, or a crazy, worn out version of their mama. I know my actions will speak volumes over my words, and will forever impact the people I love most.
The way I live today will impact my children tomorrow. This motivates me. It convinces me to not give up on myself, though I still fail a thousand ways. The way I live my life — the out loud parts — are shaping, impacting, influencing the lives of those I do life with every day.
Of course, it is Jesus in me I want them to see. I’m not sure they do, though I hope. Here is what I have to remember, and you do, too…We may not ever get to show them an unbroken version of ourselves this side of eternity, but we can give them the realist version, the most genuine and vulnerable. So they can see, we too, are human like them.
And God is not afraid of human.
We are learning — like them and with them. God will not abandon us on the journey. On those days they get the crazy, worn-out version of their mama, may they remember the forgiveness that I sought. May they not forget I was unafraid to tell them I was wrong. May they always know, none of us have to fear we will lose God’s love, even when we are the ones who did wrong.
That is the Jesus they can see.
